Hard words

Command presence. Show them that you are in charge. It is for your safety and their comfort. People feel secure knowing who is in charge. Having someone take lead is releasing. Practice that authoritative voice. Practice the confidence. Even when you do not know what exactly to do, be confident, you’ll figure it out. 

I am finally graduated. I was able to stand on stage in front of my family and community and take my oath and pledge. Honor integrity and respect are never betrayed, I will always hold myself and other accountable for having the courage to do the right thing. I raised my right hand, and in my newly pressed and never worn before uniform, I pledged myself to a cause greater than myself.

Today, I am in field training. We call it FTO. It is a three month process where they take all the foundations the academy taught us, and mold it to how they want it to look. How does it all apply to my city? It is also a process by which we are graded daily. At the end of each shift, my Field Training Officer writes about a 2 hour report on my progress or lack there of that he has seen over the past twelve hour shift.

I have never been one who does well with constructive criticism. I want to be perfect at everything the first time. Or at least as close to perfect as I need to be to convince those around me. Field training exposes my raw nerves. Shift by shift my arrogance is stripped away and someone peers inside my words and actions and speaks hard words.

Hard words. The ones that should inspire and challenge, but when said just right can deflate my spirit and crush my confidence.

God sometimes says hard words to me. Sometimes he tells me where I am falling short. Where I am screwing it up. And where I should have had a softer heart. Those words are tormenting. Even writing this my face is cringed and I have one eye closed. Just thinking about it causing a physical reaction.

I seek out others approval. I want to please. I want others to like me. I seek the worlds approval and when I fall short of obtaining it, I second guess who I am.

How does one become okay with hard words?

This is the lesson I am learning right now. God has brought me to the place where I must deal with judgement in a healthy, self-respecting way. I must be able to decipher who’s words are important to my life. My field training officer is set on helping me become a fine-tuned officer. He is not out to crush the life out of my dreams. Similarly, my God does not wish to crush me. But to keep me from my own destruction, he must correct me. He must call out my bad behavior, my negative spirit, my intolerance and judgment, and give me the opportunity to turn these things back to him.

I am not of this world, but I was made to be part of this world. I must learn to seek approval only from my God. How is this done? I haven’t the foggiest clue. Save me from myself Lord, I belong to you. Lead me.