The trouble it might drag you down

When you live life loud, you need people who are willing to shout above the lies.

I held on to the phone tightly, cradling it against my cheek and ear, listening to the soothing balm of my best friend tell me everything was going to be okay. She heard the battle dripping from my words.

I feel like a failure.
I am not sure I can handle this.
What if this is the end.
What if I was wrong and wasn’t supposed to leave…

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
they fill you with fear

The silver wings jetted out from the side of the steal bird. Below was buildings with tin roofs spread out like a broken picnic surrounding the landing strip. A country unknown to me. New risks, new failures awaited. Inside my ears the song “home” by Phillips Phillips was blaring away my fears. A I stepped off the plane, I stepped into the unknown.

the trouble it might drag you down

I remember those picturesque evenings growing up. The potlucks with neighbors. Pick up games of baseball in the empty field. Firefly catching after dark. Fire pits and belly laughter.

Do you remember the moment that home no longer became home? Sure, you always have a place to put your stuff. Drop it on a known floor surrounded by known people. But somehow the childhood home can change dramatically and no longer felt like home. My parents sold our childhood home recently. I had long moved out, been to two different colleges and lived in three cities (one in a different country) since then, but still it felt like ripping a piece of reality and placing it firmly in the memory category.

if you get lost you can always be found

Four years had passed. Getting back on the plane was more numbing than I realized. I walked towards the gate; Phone clutched like a lifeline in one hand, ticket in the other. I wanted to bolt. My feet walked towards the line and my mind slipped further and further out of sync with my heart. Disconnect. Abyss. Move your feet, move your lips. Say the words that need to be said. Yes, thank you. I think that my seat. No, I’m fine. No peanuts please. Just heading…. my words failed me. A stout man looked back at me puzzled. I had stopped mid-sentence. How do I describe to this man that I am leaving home and heading home? How do I….?

I turned away in silence and fear. Go numb again.

just know you’re not alone

I snapped out of my daydream, pulled back from the edge of my memories, as she spoke again. It is all a mind game. When you live life loud, expect the attack to be louder. I had heard the idea about living such life that when you awoke the devil trembled. My mom had talked about how the devil had little use to attack those that presented him no harm or foul. But rather the vicious attacks must be slew at those who presented the most danger.

War is a series of battles. All loud. All gruesome. Not all are fought on the same field however. Most of my battle are fought between the spaces of my ears. Where there is the most echo and the least likely to be heard and challenged by others.

When you live life loud, expect the battle to be louder. Your screams for victory or calling defeat are only a single voice in the tribulation of the battle you are in. Surround yourself with people who are able to recognize the battle and are willing to shout above the lies.

“Failures make the victories worth celebrating,” my sister messaged me. “You have got this, do not second guess yourself.” No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.

Change is difficult. I sleep, I eat, I pray, I practice, I fret, I study, I move and function like most other humans on this planet. My story intersects with many other people. I am not alone in this. I am surrounded by people willing to shout above the loudness of my life.

I’m going to make this place your home.

Phillips Phillips was on repeat the day I landed, the day I boarded and many days in the four year span in between. Now he is currently serenading me with the same tune and the same promise from God. Settle down, it will become clear. That noise and battle? Thats the demons, trying to take away my peace from you. Just know my baby girl, you are not alone. You are going to hate this for a moment, but trust me with this. I am going to make this place your home. You will be safe here too. In my arms you are kept. Forever and for always.