I am not alone

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I don’t actually know what words to say. I just know that my heart is filled. Bursting at the seems feeling loved, accepted, wanted and down right happy.

See, the devil tells us many lies. The bible says he came to steal, kill and destroy. But he does not need a frontal attack to accomplish that. Simple lies spoken are the fuses to what he makes a ticking bomb. Or even better to him, simple lies will make a powerful army turn away from fear of powerlessness. So every day he attempts to feed us a steady diet of lies. Lies specially designed to attack our very souls.

In Haiti we have nowhere to hide from these lies. Any inadequacy we feel, he will gladly trumpet at every waking moment. Any dark, secret corner of our brain, he will cheerfully expose naked and raw. Any mistrust we have about our own abilities, he will feed and grow until they are a self-consuming monster. He is a life sucker at his very core.  And down in Haiti, I feel this is all the more true because we are operating on his turf. So he works overtime to call out any inferiority we might have, so that we will leave. It’s hard to operate in a world like that.

The lies I am fed are a special blend just for me. I hear lies like

You are not a good friend. Nobody likes you. Nobody needs you. If you don’t do things for people, they will leave. You are broken and used. Nobody will want you. Who you are is not good enough. People put up with you, but only because they have to. You will never change.  You are not supposed to be here. You are unlovable. You are not following Gods calling. You are selfish. You are lazy. You are not holy enough to be a missionary. You are a poor representation of what it means to be a Christian.  You are unloved.

And sometimes when I do not hear them as lies in my own brain, I start holding them as truth and will repeat them to myself whenever something bad happens. Nobody else has to say it. Its just me hearing it and repeating it, like lashing myself with a whip. Often, I do not even know they are lies until someone else calls me out on it.  There are even moments in time where nothing people can say will change the way my brain is thinking. I can twist and pervert any good thing they speak into a ferocious blend of lies to pour like hot acid down my own throat. We call it ‘bad head space.’ It is hard to shake. Thankfully, I know the cure. Going to the desert and spending time with God, letting him make his own elixir to calm to storm in me.

Sometimes, however, he speaks through people. Through their words or their actions. This past month has definitely been that. As I was preparing for a work filled fundraiser to raise money so I can return to Haiti, lies crept into my head. “You aren’t supposed to be there,” they said. “You’re in this alone.” And it scared me to think, it might be true. But as if in a flash flood action, people poured out of the woodwork to help me. Volunteering time, money, donations. As we sorted and organized my family stood behind me helping me carry boxes, making and providing food, setting up and cheering me on. Other people from my church or from Journey donated supplies and blessed me as I pulled out of their driveways with a truck full of stuff. And my friends came out and helped me tag, move boxes, hang hundred of clothes and stood in the sun selling with me.  I could not ignore them all; they were bashing lies right and left. My family championed behind me and friends came along side of me and together with the community I got a moment of clarity. I am loved.

As people I will never know the names of told me to keep the change, gave me hugs for the kids and dropped off donations after they just bought stuff at the sale, I was restored. Money in my pocket means little, it constantly ebbs and flows. I know I have to keep my money where God can reach it. But something that will stick with me a while is this knowledge that people love me. People support me.

I am not alone. 

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5 responses »

  1. Wow, not being around you always like i use to i dont know how you are feeling. Yet yours words always let me know, and i always here about haiti. But never about how the missionary up with all of it and this really puts it in perspective!! Stay strong. I love you and pray for you every night, and it usually starts out as ” and my sister in haiti, april”!

  2. SO SO GOOOD !

    we are on a STOP THE LIES campaign….FREEDOM and TRUTH   reign in this place!!!!

    I love you and am SO thankful you are HERE !!

     i love the honest beauty you bring to this place and to my life… i also love your hugs.   

      courage  ! 

    Kathy Brooks

    2nd Story Goods.com kathy@2ndstorygoods.com 011 509 4803 5960  haiti 001 864 344 3774   usa

    MUCH Muchministries.org PO box  24599 St. Simons, Ga 31522  .

    >________________________________ > From: My journey >To: kabbtb@yahoo.com >Sent: Monday, August 12, 2013 9:59 PM >Subject: [New post] I am not alone > > > > WordPress.com >Anna posted: “I don’t actually know what words to say. I just know that my heart is filled. Bursting at the seems feeling loved, accepted, wanted and down right happy.See, the devil tells us many lies. The bible says he came to steal, kill and destroy. But he does not ” >

  3. You are SO not alone Miss April! We love and adore you : ) Thank you for being so honest…I can really relate. The beautiful part is that it doesn’t matter about our short-comings (real or imagined). All Jesus wants of us is a willing heart – – which you have an abundance of!
    Praying this is an AWESOME school year!

  4. From the lady who brought back the candlesticks, you know who I am. I have to tell you how much of an impact you made on me and my mom that day. See Satan has been telling me similar lies also. Just meeting you and getting to help in my own small way has rocked my world in a way I haven’t seen in a long time. We took your flyer to the hearts of three churches to be prayed over. And I must tell you that my parents and I speak of you often and think of you and the work that you are doing. I wish that I was half as brave as you. My biggest fear in this life is that I will allow myself to miss God’s calling on my life because I’m too afraid to listen and respond when He calls. So keep running that race He has laid out for you and know that you are loved and admired by more people than you can realize…..In His Name…….Brandi

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