Green Paper

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That is what my life seemingly is revolving around right now. Simple green paper. Unfortunately I cannot have my student cut rectangles out of green construction paper and glue pictures of past presidents on it and call it good. Banks apparently do not accept homemade money, who knew? It is amazing how money can rule a persons life. I find myself daydreaming about how awesome it would be to win the lottery and pay off debt and be free and clear to follow God in Haiti. It would be easy and simple and why does he let people win the lottery who are going to waste it when he could just as easily give it to me and I swear I would be mostly unselfish with it. Or at least unselfish after I selfishly made myself comfortable again. Which is what all this stress comes down to- comfort.

It is uncomfortable to know that I have a HUGE amount of student loans for a degree in something that I do not seem to be using (….yet. I have to believe God is going to be using this degree in the future). It is uncomfortable to know those student loans are going to be called up and demanded to be repayed beginning in just a couple months. It is uncomfortable to have a large amount of hospital bills because I had to fly back to the states because I had malaria. It is uncomfortable to have a bank account dwindled down to a couple hundred dollars knowing I don’t have a plane ticket back to the place I believe God wants me.

It is uncomfortable. And terrifying.

So when I opened the mail today and saw I was past due on my car taxes, I could do nothing beyond crumple into myself. A $26.20 bill put me over the edge. I want to jump around and yell and complain. Why God, did you prompt me to get a degree at a ridiculously expensive college, when I wouldn’t be making me any money with it. And why did you allow me to get malaria, like the killer kind, so I have a huge amount of medical bills because I had to fly back to the states so I didn’t croak. And why didn’t you allow me to win the lottery, dang it?! Because I hate being uncomfortable. It just isn’t, well, comfortable, ya know?

So I crumbled onto the floor and told the Big Guys Upstairs, I’m done. I can’t handle this. This is too much. I’m tapping out.

Then I hear this tiny voice inside of me that says, I never said you would be comfortable. But I said I would take care of you.

The Bible is littered with examples of this, however mana in the desert isn’t my idea of a delicious meal. Quail, after eating it a zillion days in a row, I am sure it gets old. Camel hair belts aren’t fashionable. And I would prefer a rock of flowing coca-cola to one that is basically a caveman’s water fountain. But people were clothed, their bellies were full and they weren’t thirsty. God took care of them, just as he promised.

I remember very clearly someone told me before I left for Haiti that they were impressed with me for trusting God so much to leave everything behind. I told them if I were really trusting God I wouldn’t have worried about fundraising or even packing a bag. I would have just up and left in January when he called me, just as he called his disciples to do. Not packing a money sack, or even an extra coat. But instead I drug my feet for 8 months ‘preparing.’ 3 months after I boarded that plane, look where all those preparations got me. I am forced to trust Pop’s on a new level now, I am leaving the country with no money in my bank account. I do not know how I will survive down there but bring on the mana and quail. I’ll even drink the water he brings up from the ground. You can keep the camel hair belts though, they don’t match this outfit.

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