I told you a few days ago that I was terrified of leaving. Terrified no longer seems like a strong enough word. Mortified or petrified seem more accurate.
Tonight my best friend and I took the trip of a lifetime. We went to the hair salon and on our way my car broke. Like power steering died and my car turned off. After having it towed to the nearest dealership (and leaving it awkwardly there, hoping they know that a random car in their lot means I want it fixed) we walked home. 10 o’clock at night we hooved it an hour home. On the way I began some serious soul searching to understand why I was so [fill in strong, scared, adjective]. Here is what I have come up with:
I am selfish. When everything is stripped bare, when it comes right down to the nitty gritty hard core facts, I am scared about going because I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go, because I have lived in a society that tells me ‘I deserve.’
I deserve to be comfortable
I deserve to eat three square meals
I deserve to have a fan, and air conditioning
I deserve to have a very comfy bed
I deserve to have a job, make money and spend the money on things that I want
I deserve to take a break
Take a nap
Some ice cream
A treat every now and then
I deserve to be happy, be healthy, and have fun
Someone, somewhere told me I deserved, and I believed them. Now it is so engrained in my very marrow that to reject the belief that I deserve everything seems like it will rip the life right out of me. Like a person who has been crushed between a tree and a car, they are only kept alive by the pressure. Remove it and they die. How do I live if not for myself? How do I act if not to put my own desires first?
I once read that our beliefs are not what we say rather they are only interpreted by what we do. If this is true, I must honestly believe I am the most important person in the world. I think about me first all the time. What I want. What I will wear. What I want to eat. What is convenient or easy for me. And I have lived in a society that says that is okay.
Well guys, I don’t want to go. It’s not easy. It’s not convenient. It is not how I imagined my life going. For some reason however while the world blazes the lie that ‘I deserve’ God keeps whispering a little truth: I don’t deserve anything, but he will still give me everything if I follow him. Maybe, just maybe, when I give up material possessions, comfort and security, maybe I will find the thing I have been looking for in all of that. Him.