Its official, less than a month until I leave. I honestly never thought this day would come. Back in January when I made plans, I tried to imagine what I would feel like knowing I have 4 weeks until I left. Truthfully, I feel like I am getting fat.
Let me explain.
I have been told when you have adrenaline flood your system, and then do not use it, it turns into fat. That explains where this extra 3 pounds has come from. it was definitely not the cinnamon rolls. you’re wrong. I remember, when I was young, being extremely excited for summer camp to come, or family vacations. And this is like that. except it’s not. Because in summer camp I had to call my mom everyday or she would have the camp alarm rung on me (legitimately). And family vacations I had to share a bed with my siblings and fight to press the elevator button in the hotel.
And there are no hotels in Jubilee.
Thus no elevator buttons.
Which is actually a letdown, because I still like those guys I tell you.
So I have begun purging my closet, packing up crap to put away in storage, and making a packing list. The process for moving has begun. And again, I am terrified. So I pack according to my fears.
Afraid of the food: I have protein bars and beef sticks
Afraid of the heat: A fan and a camelbak
Afraid of the people (whether it is the Haitians or the whitey McWhite white’s): I have an Amazon library and a computer to lose myself in.
Afraid of failing: I’ve packed my Bible.
Because legitimately the Bible seriously is the only thing that calms that fear. People tell me that I’ll be great. My little sister said I may start out shaky but I always end strong. Which is true. But this is one of the first times I can say I’m purposefully doing something out of my comfort zone for God. Not that I don’t want to go (because if you have read ANY previous post you know I do). But normally when I am “doing something for God” it’s more like I am doing something for me that can be viewed by others as something for God. I’ve gotten good at saying the right things to make myself sound pretty holy. Which is rather pathetic, but honest.
And how does the Bible calm this fear of failing? Because I have seen countless people fail in the Bible. It’s a basic how-to fail guide. Abraham, when following God to a foreign land, got so scared he told the king his wife was his sister. Twice. And God still loved him. Like a ton. And Abraham is now considered a pillar of faith because God went on to use him in remarkable ways.
The Israelites, when coming out of Egypt and into a new land failed like 70 times. First it was the golden calf, then the complaining and not trusting God for food, and then the spy situation. It’s kind of like c’mon guys, seriously? But God still loved them. And rewarded them with the Promised Land.
And even one of Jesus’ own disciples failed miserably. Peter denied being associated with Jesus three times. Not one, not twice, but three times. And the next time Jesus saw Peter, Jesus made him breakfast. Because Jesus still loved him. Peter took that love and shook the earth with it. He made a difference.
So when I think about failing, I think about all the other guys who got it wrong and God still loved. And I remember that even if I screw up and fail, which will likely happen on more than one occasion, God will still love me. Not in the, ‘I am forced to like you since I made you’, but legitimately like me. And continue to do awesome things through me. Like he did with Abraham, and the Israelites, and Peter. Not saying I am as cool as them, but
I am as loved as them.