Have you ever hit that point in life where you feel you cannot handle one more day of what you have been doing? Where your daily hum drum has become the cadence at which you pace your life and the tune is so engrained in your head you want to vomit at the very melody you once eagerly marched to? If you are anything like me, and you have hit that point, you try to “jazz it up.” Your life I mean. Watch action packed shows that only leave you longing for something new. Get out of the house for a change of scenery that only reminds you- you are still here. Get a new haircut, buy a new skirt, take a walk, take a breather and nothing seems to work. Your mind races like fast packed action cuts in a movie and yet you are trapped in a paralyzed body. You know that tomorrow will be the same as today which was the same as yesterday and will be the same a week from now. Your mind is spinning out of control and you anxiously pray a silent prayer to reach the eye of the hurricane. Just a moment of calm in the middle of the storm.
After I came back from Haiti in May last year I had spent the entire summer lethargic on my parents couch, wasting away from depression. In August I realized I had hit a point in my life where I could no longer function. My desire to be in Haiti had to be nearly extinguished for me to cope with daily life. Slowly in self preservation, I put out that flame. I doused it with daily life. I spent 4 months happily oblivious to that small flame that still burned deep inside me. I had pushed it away along with Gods voice. Haiti and God are irrevocably linked for me. I needed relief, I needed away from myself. In January, when I started planning this adventure, that small flame was fanned and it came roaring back to twice the size it had been. How am I to get through the days when I cannot even get through the moments? How can I wait another 6 months while this fire consumes my every thought? Eating away at the wall I built to keep it from devouring me alive.
I am not scared of the flame. I say bring it on. I am prepared to be burnt. It is the time that scares me. The days, weeks, months left until I can reach that place that will soothe my parched throat.
Lord help me cope.